INTRO
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more watered down version of an existing property since ‘The Force Awakens’ copy and pasted ‘A New Hope’. ‘Spy Kids: Armageddon’ successfully rebooted the franchise in the worst way possible, something I didn’t know would be possible after Spy Kids 4. To ‘Armageddon’s credit, this was, at least, watchable, barely. What interests me most is that it seems as if Robert Rodriguez felt the need to copy not just one Spy Kids movie, but TWO: Spy kids & Spy Kids 3-D. Where the movie does nicely hitting the nostalgic beats of the OG Spy Kids, it falters in unbelievably predictable storylines, jarring pacing, impressive acting and visuals, and a simply broken script.
DISPPOINTING REBOOT
Not going to lie, I was genuinely excited for this movie for two big reasons: Gina Rodriguez and Zachary Levi. Listen, I know good ol’ Zach is not everyone’s favorite actor at the moment; and, yes, I do agree he can be a bit much, loud, and impulsive, but I also think he’s genuinely just a stand-up guy who loves acting and working. So, when I saw he and gina were a part of this movie, I was immediately on board! I hadn’t even seen a single trailer, as I usually skip out on descriptions or trailers if it’s not a major franchise for clout. I couldn’t have been more disappointed. I tried to give it more credit than it probably deserved, but I caved shortly after my friend caved and we both agreed: “this was made for the kids,” which is a phrase I found us saying way too often throughout this whole movie. Yeah, this movie is for the kids, but I can’t be sure because I already my child won’t appreciate being coddled the way this movie coddles being and choosing good. I am just more of a fan of realistic lessons for children. By the time you get to the end of the movie, you realize what Robert Rodriguez and RACER MAX (with a name like that, I am not surprised with a movie this disgustingly unrealistically positive and insanely whiney about our current situation) were doing. The movie was a good attempt on paper, but in application, it just does not translate. I am not mad, I am just disappointed.
BAD SCRIPT
The script is very badly written. Like I said, there are too many predictable storylines that you’ve not only seen in other movies before this one, but in Spy Kids itself. I kept saying to my friend, “we’ve seen this before, though…” For the first two-thirds of the movie, you can actually see which bits are directly ripped from the OG Spy Kids movie, which serves as a neat callbacks to the original movie. Yet, whenever you realize none of the original cast/characters or established lore are at the very least mentioned at all, the reality that this is a full on REBOOT sinks in and it doesn’t feel good. Nothing in this movie is an original concept. I just feel they could’ve been way less on the nose for many of these moments. However, considering the fact that this is for a new generation of children, I GUESS it’s just alright? I would show my kids the original Spy Kids over this one any day. In fact, I would show them the entire original trilogy (because they’re just that good!) Yet, Spy kids: All the Time in the World, and Spy Kids: Armageddon can stay in the “good attempts” bin for me and my kin.
However, this movie does promise a lot of great payoffs that you’d expect to see because Spy Kids had these SAME great payoffs with gadgets, characters, and jokes. Yet, the payoffs in Armageddon are all disappointing duds. I found this to be Armageddon’s formula as the entire movie is promising really great and funs things to come, but none of it ever arrives leaving you quenched for the anything Spy Kids related to scratch that OSS-Itch that both Armageddon and All the Time in the World failed to scratch.
IMPRESSIVE ACTING
Despite the terrible script, Gina Rodriguez, Zachary Levi, and Billy Magnussen, who plays the painfully obvious villain with both the worst and quickest reveal ever, all do impressive jobs making the dialogue work. Honestly, they are who I came to see and those are the ones who delivered. It’s really no surprise that Gina Rodriguez or Zachary Levi made their material work; they’re professional actors and are way too talented for anyone’s good. These actors are comedy actors, as well, so their comedic timing really worked out for the benefit of this movie. The ONLY reason why this movie’s rating isn’t any lower is solely because of them. WHAT TREASURES. They really brought that parental dynamic to the family and really sold that those kids were indeed theirs. I actually laughed and had a good time when they were on screen. It’s a fun film because those three actors carry the literal movie other shoulders effortlessly. It’s almost sad because of how good Gina Rodriguez and Zachary Levi are together. Honestly, give me a solo Netflix series about them before they had kids. Call it Spy…. Adults… We’ll workshop that.
AMAZING VISUALS & GRAPHICS
The movie, once you feel like things will be wrapping up, radically transitions to the second Third Act’s setting, which is a watered down version of Spy Kids 3-D meets Star Wars Episode 3. To this sequence’s credit, it was visually GORGEOUS. That’s something this movie hadn’t slept on. The VFX in this movie is STUNNING for a terribly written movie. Truly, the animators deserve more work because, dang, what a visual feast. However, this is into where all the undisclosed budget had gone. For the first two-thirds of the movie, I found myself asking, “how much was the budget for this movie and where did it all go?!” Well, into the big three actors plus the third act sequence, my filmerdudes. That’s where. Honestly, that’s sort of sad to think about because this movie could be way better but it, so unfortunately, feels SO PERPLEXINGLY CHEAP. You can actually see where the money had run out for pretty much the first two-thirds of hte movie. Everything feels small scale because there’s BARELY anyone in this movie! There wasn’t even enough money to have more than five goons/robots at a time! Even the set locations are embarrassingly bare with little to no decor ANYWHERE in any of the locations we visit. So, yeah, the third act and all of the VFX throughout are great to look at, but at the cost of delivering a watered down version of an existing property that is already great in its own right and needs no touching!?
HOWEVER…
Who is this movie for? It’s for kids. I saw MANY elements within ‘Armageddon’ where I knew kids would EAT IT ALL UP. Legit, this movie hits EVERY sweet spot for the modern-age child to gawk and ogle over while watching (and I must admit, my inner child also thought it was very cool–cheesy, sure, but pretty freakin’ cool). So, in the moments where my friend and I would say, “it’s for the kids,” we nailed it. This movie is for children and children alone. Considering that most people our age would have children old enough to be watching this movie and the intended target audience is, in fact, these children, then, yeah, ‘Spy Kids: Armageddon’ has succeeded, because I doubt there’ll be any child out there dressed in a bowtie, tightly fit suit, and with a pen and pad of paper in hand ready to criticize the movie. Contrastingly, I can’t imagine many pre-teens enjoying this as much as the younger kiddos. Parents may not really enjoy this as much as their kid, but I suspect watching the movie with their kid may turn out to be a great time, if their child should like this movie. There’s absolutely NOTHING bad about this movie. In actuality, it’s the perfect kids movie to put on and distract the little ones as you cry–I mean, decompress for an hour and a half in the tub with a bottle of your wine or beer [or juice!] of choice. In that case, then, yes, the movie is great. But overall, godspeed, good luck, may the force be with you, live long and prosper, and all of the phrases, because you’ll need that bottle of wine or beer or juice to get through this one alone.
CONCLUSION
’Spy Kids: Armageddon’ is a great attempt to reboot this beloved franchise, but in the world of reboots, sequels, and nothing original, Spy Kids: Armageddon isn’t really welcome in the overall melting pot of good vs bad films of the 2020s as it feels like it wants to part of a party that it was never invited to or never should have been at in the first place. If we REALLY think about it, none of the Spy kids movies were phenomenal. They were Robert Rodriguez’s inception that worked for the time they debuted because of their unique storytelling style and unique concept. Nowadays, I just don’t see this working in that same way; only if the people behind these projects are willing to take bolder risks each time, just like Spy Kids 2 and Spy Kids 3-D did. However, this movie might end up being a perfect distraction for the little ones, but they HAVE to be little-little. But at that point, I’d just show them the original… because there’s nothing wrong with leaving what’s not broken alone.
I give ’Spy Kids: Armageddon’ a 5 out of 10.